What could be my last ever post..

As you can see from the title I’m very paranoid about this surgery thing, keep thinking I’m gonna die. Well hey, I’ve never been operated on before (well I have, but was very young) and have no idea what to expect. All surgery is risky.. :-
So they’re gonna cut me open, I’m gonna have a scar on my belly button, and *hopefully* no more pain. Although they said they can’t guarantee no more pain, afterall the scar could give me pain. So what the hell is the point of going through all this? Argh I’m getting very worked up.

To take my mind off things I’ve been downloading films and stuff – hey, if I do make it out of there alive I’m gonna be bed-bound for at least a couple of days so I’m gonna have to have something to entertain myself with. I was *trying* to look for a game or something on eBay but there’s nothing decent there, so will try and complete some of the games I’ve got. Terry is borrowing Gitaroo Man which I really got back into over the weekend, grr at him. I asked him to come over Wednesday – we could play games, chat and hug to cheer me up – although he still hasn’t got back to me on that so doesn’t look like he’s too interested. I remember when I was ill at university with the flu, and he got the first train over to come and see me, and look after me, that was so sweet of him. One of the best things he’s ever done for me I think. Will he do it again? Be my knight in shining armour? lol. Or will he not come round, knowing that I won’t be up for sex. We shall see.

Today I installed Service Pack 2.. good stuff.. except all the “new features” it adds to Internet Explorer were already in Firefox from the beginning.. hehe so I won’t be swapping over there. Oh well, next time Microsoft! Vil came over, and I made a CD for him with SP2 and loads of other stuff on it. I watched the first 5 episodes of “Dead Like Me”, my favourite ever TV show, heh. Dan and I chatted about it, commented on how good it makes you feel and how it keeps you thinking well after you watched it.

Shaun: aww i love dead like me. its soooo good
Dan: after each episode you really feel like youve watched something good
Shaun: yeah. (cos you have)
Shaun: and when its over, u feel sad
Dan: but other stuff is good, but afterwards you just move on
Dan: but dlm is like wow, thats gooood
Dan: that is some gooooooood telemcvision

OK no I didn’t get the telemcvision thing either. But I nodded and smiled.

Wrote some more stuff for my deviantART account, but didn’t submit it because I thought it was a bit too depressing (even for my standards lol). Might put it on when I get back, with a fresh outlook on it. Wow just had an idea – should bring a pen and paper with me as well as a book, then if I’m bored of reading could start writing. Will see.

Think I will go to bed now! Have to get up early, eat some breakfast (not allowed to eat all day after that) and then get to hospital to be poked/prodded/cut apart. Oh, I’m so scared about this!! Why am I so stupidly afraid? Why are people afraid of death? Geez, it would be a relief! LOL. I don’t think watching “Dead Like Me” helped put it out of my mind really .. heh .. although I *will* be wary of people shaking my hand before I go to the operating room (you won’t understand that unless you go out and watch an episode! Go!).

And, because I’m terribly pessimistic, will leave a note with instructions in case I don’t come back! LOL how silly.

Shaun xx